A discussion has emerged following the recent disappearance of Sarah Everard with regards to the way women often feel unsafe when out and about, and judged for not wanting to be the victims of sexual harassment and worse, sexual and physical violence. Many men have entered into the discussions with the statements that “not all men” are like that, and “men are victims too.”
Now let me start by saying that we all know that not all men are sexual predators. And we all know that men can be victims of violence and crime. But when there is a discussion about women, then surely it stands to reason that it is women who are being discussed, and the way they feel, and yes, unfortunately that is normally because of the actions of men.
Sarah Everard isn’t where the topic started. in truth whenever a woman is assaulted or even murdered there is talk of how women can be made to feel safer, and what to do with regards to sexual harassment and violence. And then the conversation is taken over by those who want to make it known that this isn’t women’s place to discuss because “men are victims too”, and thus the conversation ceases, until next time.
A lot of the conversation in this instance has centred around how women can feel safer when out and about. How we can get to the point where women don’t feel they have to walk a certain route home, or be responsible for their friends getting home safely, But in truth the conversation goes so much deeper.
It is indisputable that more women are victims of sexual crimes and domestic violence than men. In the past year 118 women died at the hands of men. 2 women are killed by a partner every week, and 97% of women say they have been victims of sexual harassment.
And this is where it starts to be downplayed. A man wolf whistling at a pretty girl is seen as innocent. But actually it is objectifying that girl, but she would be told she was overreacting if she said that. So where does it stop being a woman’s “over reaction” and begin to be harassment? The truth is that it becomes harassment the instant the woman is uncomfortable with it, because the woman is the subject, and the perpetrator does not speak for her with regards to what she might find uncomfortable.
And then we get to the point where women are expected to take responsibility. Rape trials still involve the cross examination of women where they are asked about what they were wearing, whether they might actually have consented, and what their sexual history is like. No other crime brings that kind of victim blaming so why this one? The rape conviction rate is pitifully low, partly because of the lack of evidence, but also because of the conditioning of people to believing that a woman who is assaulted was probably “up for it,” or that “well if she will go out dressed like that what does she expect?” And for every case where a rapist is found not guilty despite the fact he likely is, that rapist is back out on the streets, free to attack his next victim. Your sister, your daughter perhaps or your best friend.
The solution here actually lies with men and not women. It is men who need to know what it is that makes a woman uncomfortable, and what behaviour is and isn’t ok. Most decent men already know that, and as such it is down to those decent men to stand up and be counted when it comes to defending women’s right to safety without blame or expectation.
Women don’t need to be told that “not all men” are like that. We all know. My best friends are men and it goes without saying that I know they’re not like that.
But where men need to say that “not all men” are like that is with regards to men who do feel that they have a right to a woman’s body. That a woman is something to be objectified, whose experiences need to be downplayed. When those decent men out there think about those women and the message they feel they should be sharing, that message is that they need to stand up for what is right, because “not all men” are decent like that.
